Simply Camden

In Judaism there is a Bar Mitzvah, in Christianity there is a First Communion, in other cultures it is a son’s first hunt or moving out on his own.  Across the world and throughout time there have been rights of passage which are markers in men and women’s lives.  These are times which indicate growth, maturity and change.  In the modern day of education going off to college is a right of passage in its own right but there is another– for men specifically– which goes unnoticed and unspoken.

Of course I am talking about a man’s first beard.

This is not a new tradition.  Cultures throughout time have equated facial hair to respect, wisdom and maturity.  What self respecting viking or lumber jack don’t have beards?  What highway patrolman can pull over a speeder without a mustache?

Since this is such a monumental event in a man’s life I wanted to provide a cheat sheet on famous beards and facial Faux pas throughout history.  Let’s go through them chronologically:

The Paleolithic Beard

This beard is a rarity in the modern world.  It is a facial hair style that existed before razors.  It is unkempt, long and probably has something living in it.  You can see modern day depictions of the Paleolithic beard on Grizzly Adams and Happy Gilmore’s caddy.

Made Famous by Homo Erectus and and Tom Hanks in Castaway

The Holy Man

This one was popularized around the year 0.  Much like the Paleolithic beard it covers the whole face. It is important to note that this is only considered the Holy Man with long straight hair.  With a hair cut the Holy Man is considered the Classic; add a cowboy hat and you have yourself a Chuck Norris.

From left to right: The Holy Man, The Classic, The Chuck Norris

Another noteworthy variation on the classic is the Viking.  This is slightly bushier but still well groomed and a point of pride popularized by Ancient Norse Cultures.  This was such a point of pride Erik The Red was named after the color of his beard.  Modern day uses of this beard are found mostly by loggers and lumberjacks.  It is important to not that long underwear and a beanie or alternatively, anything flannel must be worn to make this look an official “Lumberjack”

From left to right: The Viking, Erik the Red, The Lumberjack

Black Beard

This style although extremely famous is not recommended for anyone who is not flame retardant.  To strike fear into the enemies of his ship, Queen Anne’s Revenge, Black beard tied candles into beard before battle.

Do not try this HOT style at home

Beards and pirates go together like tri-corner hats and Pirates.  Months at sea with no one to impress lead to a lot of variations of the Paleolithic (not to mention great slag like rap scallion and booty). Some sailors, primarily government endorsed captains, were more clean cut.  This has lead to styles such as the conquistador.

The Conquistador was ironically popularized by the French Musketeers

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Again, your choice in hats can change the style of this beard.  A large tri-corner hat with a giant plume and minimal grooming will make this A D’Artanian. A shorter, more trim and considerably less useful in a sword fight look has been adopted in modern times as a goatee.

The Honest Abe

Although many beards have a mustache one of the most famous styles of facial hair proves that one is not necessary.  Honest Abe, the 16th American President, decided to forgo the mustache and accent his timeless style immortalized on the US Penny and the Five Dollar Bill.

Four Score and Seven Beards ago

A little known fact is that Abe Lincoln both inspired the modern day Jersey Shore chin strap and he was the first recorded fist pump which he used to finish the Gettysburg Address.

The Chester A. Arthur

After listening to his most trusted adviser, Mustache Muttonchops, on how to achieve Presidential greatness Chester A. Arthur knew that the key was signature facial hair.  A beard mustache combo that told the Union, “I am a strong and powerful leader,”  That is how Chester A. Arthur forever revolutionized facial hair with a style named after its creator.

Experts dispute whether or not Arthur could in fact grow hair on his chin.

The Handlebar Mustache

Sometime in the Early 1900s the beard became very bourgeois.  It was far too common with anyone with power.  But facial hair was still a must.  This was a pivotal moment in facial hair history.  This was the creation of the Floating mustache, most famously depicted as the Handlebar mustache.

The Handlebar Mustache

The Handlebar mustache was for men who were so rich they could afford half a pair of glasses.  When the Handlebar and monocle are used in conjunction this look is known as the Monopoly man.  Little did these blue blooded revolutionaries know that their mustache only style was going to be used by men of power for the remainder of the century.  In the Wild West a group of lone sheriffs adopted a shorter yet still stylish version, mandatory of any gun-slinger.  In the 1970s Police Officers made it a prerequisite to join the force without a mustache.

It is important to note that the most powerful man of all, Hulk Hogan, bore a floating mustache.  Males worldwide took an oath to not replicate the blond Fu Man Chu since it was apparent no one else was worthy of such glorious facial hair.

Since the birth of Hulkamania in 1983 there have been very few significant changes to the facial hair world.  You will still see the relics of the past plastered on those who were there when styles became popular.  You will see others with the 5-o’clock shadow which, thanks to George Clooney, is very suave and despite taking longer than shaving makes it look like you did nothing at all.

Still, the right of passage is an important one for a man to take.  Beards and mustaches are iconic.  Facial hair speaks to a man’s character.  How do you define your jaw line?  What is your favorite style?

Note: Some of these facts are in fact not facts.  I hope you have enjoyed my retelling of beard history.

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